You know those awkward social gatherings? Where everyone is talking about topics that offend you, sometimes knowing, and sometimes not knowing, that as a guest you stand for the total opposite? You tell yourself in an awkward inward peril “You can do this.”, “You don’t have to get mad when you have somewhere else to go to, a fatty (a handsomely round joint) waiting patiently at home”.
You then sit there with an inward rage of a hundred storms, fighting the urge for the lightning bolt that is your conscience not to come out, in order for it not shatter the very fabric of these inadequate social gatherings.
“Is she thinking what I think she did?”. Is usually the first thought that goes through my mind.
“Pull yourself together, Thajba. Maybe she didn’t mean it in that way. On the other hand, if she did, I am not going to let her get away with making a sly remark about my choice of life.” Is close to the second thought I usually get.
Right before any more thoughts come to mind, there is always this pause in momentum. The moment in which I realise I am ignoring my intuition. The moment in which I realise I am feeling anger, anxiety, anger again, followed by a lighter shade of scarlet red. I know I am being pulled in a million different spectrums of Red. How much more obvious to the naked and dressed eye does this get? (Let us call my feelings dressed here, as naked is referred to the obvious)
Why do we do that to ourselves? Ignore our intuition and empathic abilities? At the sake of what? Not looking like an endangered baboon?
See, the thing about the species of inadequate gatherings, is that on some embarrassing level, they always win.
When your feelings are finally brought to the surface, you are almost always incorrect.
“I promise you I didn’t mean it like that. I always get told I stutter or have bad communication skills”. Is what I usually here.
“Why are you overreacting? It was just an observation?” (Let us not let him/her know it is an observation of their truth)
“I am so tired today. Maybe I am taking out the frustrations of my divorce on you.” (Mmmm, don’t think so. Nonetheless, continue.)
The list goes on….
The abnormal thing here is, on my part, is that I swallow my anger and the truth for the sake of “the feelings of all”. The worry that I could be wrong, and the other could be right.
This is something a lot of empaths feel.
I mean, I could lie for the sake of everyone else’s feelings, but my own.
Why should I?
I understand this is coming across as passive aggressive, but that is what my spell is pushing me to do and act. The passive aggressiveness that is being an empath. Someone who can assume the role of someone else’s emotions and can, and will, feel the truth – Especially if it is at the cost of our happiness. Fair? Not so much when you’re faced with tiresome lies.
The truth is, this is a reality for most empaths.
If you want to live the life you want to, and be negative towards others, constantly putting them down to make yourself feel better; what is to be expected by the passenger here? Or the person communicating with you, if you will?
Are we supposed to fluff your pillows and neatly stack away your lies on a nice shelf? Patiently waiting for the fabric of our humanity and sanity to crumble?
Are we supposed to act like we do not know energies do not attract one another? Either positive to positive, negative to negative, or the worst; a negative to a positive.
I don’t know what this post is supposed to prove. All I know, is it proves one thing; I have too many thoughts so close to bed time.