“I call liar.. on this post.” – Say naysayers reading this.
I struggled with wanting to write this, the Angels tell me I am too humble. I like referring to them as Gods, too, as that is what my rituals are allowing me to see.
I do not like telling people what I can or can’t do. I struggle typing this as I speak, because I feel too embarrassed telling people: “Hi, My name is Thajba. I talk to Angels and live in a fairytale-fantasy-deemed-schizophrenic philosophy.”
I struggled, once again, my whole life giving tarot readings to all who asked me.
“I might get it wrong.” I thought.
“I might mislead someone into making them believe I am something special, when I’m not.” I say.
“Do I have an Ego? Is caring about your looks above all – Ego?” I plead.
What I can hear now? I cannot elaborate on. I can give you advice on what you can and will see, but I refuse to open up about my life. Whether you deem that inappropriate or lies, is entirely up to you. I accept your judgements, as I know I have my own.
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger” – Buddha
I felt the need to place this here while I was typing.
Angelic guidance can be felt in a number of ways. You can hear voices, receive slight nudges and find yourself in waking dreams. A person can have all three, a person can have one and a person can have more – unrecorded even, believe it or not.
I hate being the bearer of bad news; but I cannot tell you what to do or hear, nor can anyone else. We preach and post about “individual” journeys and how “our soul came here to experience itself in a human form”, yet there is no correlation. Simply scattering information and not finding the link between all is one of life’s existential questions, and what got me into trouble in the first place.
Before this gets any more complicated, I would like to take you back in time with me, again, to my Ayahuasca journey…
I found myself at a dead end, either give up on spirituality all together, throw away all my tarot cards, or give myself one last chance and find myself. I had reached the end of my ropes with people and their bullshit knowledge, and I needed the truth; once and for all.
I cannot put into words exactly what happened, so I will leave it for another blog post, a much longer one, but let us leave this for everyone to digest.
I found myself once again at the same place I started, another Ayahuasca session in the Amazon jungle. I had done it already before and did not find my answers justifying enough. Either people were really trying to confuse me, and I am being delusional about who I am, or the Gods are way kinder than I expected.
I told myself: “This is it”. I either see who I am and what I deserve out of life, or just exist until I’m pushed by these unseen forces. Everyone has doubts about religion, God or Angels and if the three are interchanged, but not everyone admits it.
So, let us envision the scene together…
I was in a hut in the middle of nowhere. I felt like I was about to throw up because of how anxious I was, and was just about to throw in the towel.
I didn’t I had it in me to see it through The Shaman, apprentice, and I were in the room together (among other people).
She asked who wanted to go first and the woman sitting opposite to me, said “her” while pointing at me. I choked for a second and being the hard-head I am, I said “Sure. I’ll go first.”
It tasted utterly disgusting. “This was supposed to be a herbal brew” I thought, and it was. I just didn’t expect it to be so disgusting. We were all holding back our tears, it was that horrendous.
The Shaman, who we called Mamita, whispered something to Deborah, the apprentice or Shaman-in-training. It was in Spanish, so I didn’t understand what she was saying. Deborah turned to me and said “My Grandmother says you’re brave, the bravest one here”. I was shocked, but I knew inside of me I was. I knew.
Ten minutes into drinking the herbal brew, I felt like people were disappearing. Not from sight only, but from smell and touch too. I could not feel the ground. Bare with me while I make the unexplainable as enlightening as possible…
I did not feel the ground. I couldn’t stand up or speak and felt an energy like never before. I managed to utter a few words only “Deborah, help me”.
Mamita was chanting and waving her leaves around, I could not disturb her.
Deborah was sitting right next to me and I could not feel her. It took a lot of pushing from my end to even sense her hand. I could hear her voice as if it was a million miles away… “Thajba, sweety, I am here. I will help guide you”. I knew in that moment I was in the right place, that there were good and sound people on this earth who will stop at nothing to help others.
I looked up and saw several spirit guides around me, clearly. A big Inca warrior with giant, glimmering gold earrings swooshed so fast, inside me. That’s right, inside me. Not just past me. Right through me. I cannot ever put into words how I felt in that moment. It felt like I was being hugged from the inside. I felt everyone so intensely that I couldn’t stop screaming and laughing at the same second. How can such a feeling exist?
Now, the rest, I am hoping to leave for another post as this is all I can really get out of me.
Fast forward to today and a lot has happened since then. That was in 2015, and it is now 2017.
What I am trying to say is; your journey is different. Not better, not worse, just different. Embrace it and find what makes you smile. If that is cheese-filled-nachos, then so be it. Who am I to judge? Who are we all to judge?
Feel free, to express your thoughts, kindly that is….
Side Note: I am getting many E-Mails asking where to go. Let your conscience and Spirit Guides show you the way. All I can say is… if the rehab (which an Ayahuasca Retreat would never name themselves that) or centre where this partakes in makes this sound like a herbal tea, beware. This was no joke. I am extremely hard-headed and have taken it eight times in my life, each time different, each experience different, each person different. I am someone who expresses herself freely and can easily put my experience into words. This however, is difficult. Only those who have truly tried this with a true Shaman would know why.